I am glad blood comes back....

Weird to think, but I am glad that when blood gets drawn, or you donate blood to the Red Cross, that over time your body is able to sustain itself and gain back the blood you lost. This morning I went over to the lab here in town with the orders that were given to me by my fertility doctor. I must say, going through that list of tests that have to be done, I feel like I should be dieing or something. When I say that I have to have over ten different blood tests ran and three different urine tests done, hopefully that will give you an idea of what I am going up against soon. The lab lady who helped me figure out what I needed to do to prepare myself for this lab work looked at me and said, "my goodness girl, this is lot of stuff." Umm, yeah, no kidding! LOL The good news is that I can do it here in town, only a few minutes from my house. I have to fast for most of the tests, so it will be an early morning draw, and they can pull enough blood from me to get all the tests ran so that I don't have to come back over and over for each test. That is positive! Seriously though, I feel like I am walking around now with a serious malfunction in my body. Hopefully these tests will come back normal and then I can go back to feeling like I am not dieing! haha Oh did I mention that for one of the tests I have to pee in a container the ENTIRE day? Yep, 24 hour urine collection...OH THE FUN! I think I wish I was a guy for this particular test...way easier to get all the "goods" in there. haha I am funny! I am hoping it get into the lab on Tuesday to get the blood sucked out of me. After that all I have to do is wait for the results and the bills (because this lab work stuff is a very pretty penny!)

In other news, we have been toying around with the idea of adoption again...although we have a few different elements we are looking at, as well as agencies, and locations this time around. Fun huh?

Checking In

Let's first start by seeing how your week is going! Have you been trying to find balance and set the important priorities in your life? What have you been doing personally to focus on this week's goal?

I have been successful at making lists each day with the things I would like to accomplish. Granted, thus far, I have yet to complete an entire list, but it has helped me see what I need to do and keeps it fresh in my mind. I am spending less time being an internet junkie and more time on finding peace with myself. I have a lot more to do to improve things, but at least I am heading in the right direction. I have been thinking a lot about my goals, and am going to be writing then out for all to see sometime in the near future in hopes that you will continue to encourage me to reach those goals and to be a support to anyone who may be having similar goals set. I think I am going to do a weekly challenge like this every Sunday. That way we can all start off a fresh week with a new idea to focus on to help us achieve balance in life. I know of one person who has taken up this challenge, but still haven't heard from anyone else......are you in?

In other news, I had my second doctor appointment with the fertility specialist. Remember just last week when I mentioned that I am not sure if I am ready for all this? Well, turns out I was certainly not ready to hear everything that I was told at my appointment yesterday. I don't want to go into too many personal details, but send me an email or call me if you really want to know more, BUT only do so if you are going to be able to be a support for me through all of this because it is a hard battle that I can not do alone and personally I don't want to share everything with someone who I can't count on to be there for me when I need help.

Have you ever had so many imperfections pointed out about yourself that you wonder 1)why no other doctor has ever mentioned the issues before 2)how you can possibly go on having high self esteem and 3)how much lower on life's scale can you possibly go when you thought you were already at the bottom? Turns out that my case of infertility/health issues doesn't just begin and stop at endometriosis. At this point I have about 9, yes I said NINE, different issues that have to been looked at seriously before we even tackle the endometriosis issue head on....I knew that going to this amazing doctor would be a step in the right direction and give me closure, but I never knew there would be so much to worry about. I have about two days ahead of me where I will be in and out of the labs getting blood and urine work performed to rule out and/or pin point certain areas that may be EXTREME areas to tackle. To give you an idea of some of the things that are alarming in my body I have a thyroid that is double the size it should be, a heart murmur, possibly hypoglycimia, ect. Hopefully all these test I have to go through will be ruling out the issues instead of diagnoising the issue....but to be positive about it is sometimes quite difficult.

The positive of all this: 1)at least I will know what other difficulities I will have in life with my body 2)we will be able to determine if in fact it is safe for me to conceive and carry a full term baby without serious medical and life threatening risks to myself or the baby 3)complete closer!!

I want to blog about all of this so that you guys know what I am going through...I do not do it for sympothy. My hope is to give you a small insight into what my life really is like, beyond two adorable babies, a husband that is amazing and a million and one pictures! A lifestyle change is in the works, that is for sure! Maybe I will be down to those dreamed size 6 pants in a few years...after-all, change is coming!

It is comforting to come home to a husband who has bought a card and flowers for comfort, who holds you and just let's you cry on his shoulder and who is starting to see some of the real stresses in my life. I love my JoJo with all my heart and am so blessed to have him here with me to give me reassurance that we are making the right choices and doing the right things. I also have an amazing mom and dad. Mother's intuition is so strong and I am glad that she can know when to call, send flowers and be a comforter to me, even though we are so far away. I am truly blessed, even though my trials are tough and difficult to bear I am surrounded by love and that is what has been getting me through the last two days! Much love to you all! PEACE

Here's to Hope!

It has been a while since I have really taken some time to write a blog that comes deep from the heart and brings out some personal weakness, fear, and hope all at the same time. I have gotten use to bottling up my thoughts and feelings to only those who are the closest to me...probably because I feel security and comfort talking to only two or three people about the battle I go through in my mind and body every day, week, month and year. Yes, indeed I struggle with an on-going battle that made its self about 5 1/2 years ago. This battle being one that is very personal to me and makes me feel very vulnerable, at times even a little worthless. I struggle with feelings of failure, inadequacy and depression over this one thing...which I think creates other problems along the road. This imperfection I fight is infertility.

For years I have bounced from doctor to doctor trying to figure out how I fight this and make my dream of having a child of my own biological genetics grow within my womb. Today, as I sit here typing this, I would like to let the world know, that I have hope!! Although I am filled with more fear and anxiety than ever before, I have finally followed the guidance of my family and sought an appointment with a specialist who is almost one of a kind. His office resides in Murry, Utah. Today was the first of many appointments with him, and I must say, I have never had a doctor listen to me so intently and break everything down so fast. From today's appointment I found out that there are more concerns that we are going to be addressing besides the fact that I have endometriosis...the road I am about to travel is going to possibly be one of the hardest treks I have ever had to take thus far in my life, but it will be a trek that will lead to answers and results. Just because I say results, doesn't mean that I will be able to fight the infertility that my body is dealing with, but it does mean that one way or another I will have an answer.

I will return back to his office next week for the first exam. After which I will be back and forth through the month as my ovulation is checked and to make sure that the eggs are dropping into the fallopian tubes to be fertilized...and of course to make sure the "boys" are finding their way as they should be. (sorry for the TMI there, but seriously it is a major factor). Another part of the tests that will be conducted is to see if my uterus lining is strong enough to support an egg when/if it attaches. When the month comes to an end and all the inital tests are run, then it is time for surgery. UGH! That is right...I am going to have to go back under the knife to have the endometriosis removed again and to give the doctor a chance to see what he is working with. From that point on, we will know more about my body and the situation we are really dealing with.

Do I feel like I am ready for all this? Yes and No. Am I scared? Yes. Will it be hard? Most definitely! But I have family and friends to look towards for support and comfort, so that helps ease the burden a bit. I feel like I am going through all of these things to better the relationship I have with my spouse, my Savior, my family, and without a doubt my friends. Although this may seem like a heavy burden for me to carry, and although there are days I feel so alone and devistated, I find joy in knowing that I have some very very close friends who are in similar situations, and it has been proven to me already, that the things I have gone though so far and experienced regarding infertility helps me reach out to those friends and give them the comfort that they need to take the next steps in their life. Here's to hope, here's to dreams, and here's to faith that I will have the stength to open this door and walk in 100%!!