It has been a while since I have really taken some time to write a blog that comes deep from the heart and brings out some personal weakness, fear, and hope all at the same time. I have gotten use to bottling up my thoughts and feelings to only those who are the closest to me...probably because I feel security and comfort talking to only two or three people about the battle I go through in my mind and body every day, week, month and year. Yes, indeed I struggle with an on-going battle that made its self about 5 1/2 years ago. This battle being one that is very personal to me and makes me feel very vulnerable, at times even a little worthless. I struggle with feelings of failure, inadequacy and depression over this one thing...which I think creates other problems along the road. This imperfection I fight is infertility.
For years I have bounced from doctor to doctor trying to figure out how I fight this and make my dream of having a child of my own biological genetics grow within my womb. Today, as I sit here typing this, I would like to let the world know, that I have hope!! Although I am filled with more fear and anxiety than ever before, I have finally followed the guidance of my family and sought an appointment with a specialist who is almost one of a kind. His office resides in Murry, Utah. Today was the first of many appointments with him, and I must say, I have never had a doctor listen to me so intently and break everything down so fast. From today's appointment I found out that there are more concerns that we are going to be addressing besides the fact that I have endometriosis...the road I am about to travel is going to possibly be one of the hardest treks I have ever had to take thus far in my life, but it will be a trek that will lead to answers and results. Just because I say results, doesn't mean that I will be able to fight the infertility that my body is dealing with, but it does mean that one way or another I will have an answer.
I will return back to his office next week for the first exam. After which I will be back and forth through the month as my ovulation is checked and to make sure that the eggs are dropping into the fallopian tubes to be fertilized...and of course to make sure the "boys" are finding their way as they should be. (sorry for the TMI there, but seriously it is a major factor). Another part of the tests that will be conducted is to see if my uterus lining is strong enough to support an egg when/if it attaches. When the month comes to an end and all the inital tests are run, then it is time for surgery. UGH! That is right...I am going to have to go back under the knife to have the endometriosis removed again and to give the doctor a chance to see what he is working with. From that point on, we will know more about my body and the situation we are really dealing with.
Do I feel like I am ready for all this? Yes and No. Am I scared? Yes. Will it be hard? Most definitely! But I have family and friends to look towards for support and comfort, so that helps ease the burden a bit. I feel like I am going through all of these things to better the relationship I have with my spouse, my Savior, my family, and without a doubt my friends. Although this may seem like a heavy burden for me to carry, and although there are days I feel so alone and devistated, I find joy in knowing that I have some very very close friends who are in similar situations, and it has been proven to me already, that the things I have gone though so far and experienced regarding infertility helps me reach out to those friends and give them the comfort that they need to take the next steps in their life. Here's to hope, here's to dreams, and here's to faith that I will have the stength to open this door and walk in 100%!!
For years I have bounced from doctor to doctor trying to figure out how I fight this and make my dream of having a child of my own biological genetics grow within my womb. Today, as I sit here typing this, I would like to let the world know, that I have hope!! Although I am filled with more fear and anxiety than ever before, I have finally followed the guidance of my family and sought an appointment with a specialist who is almost one of a kind. His office resides in Murry, Utah. Today was the first of many appointments with him, and I must say, I have never had a doctor listen to me so intently and break everything down so fast. From today's appointment I found out that there are more concerns that we are going to be addressing besides the fact that I have endometriosis...the road I am about to travel is going to possibly be one of the hardest treks I have ever had to take thus far in my life, but it will be a trek that will lead to answers and results. Just because I say results, doesn't mean that I will be able to fight the infertility that my body is dealing with, but it does mean that one way or another I will have an answer.
I will return back to his office next week for the first exam. After which I will be back and forth through the month as my ovulation is checked and to make sure that the eggs are dropping into the fallopian tubes to be fertilized...and of course to make sure the "boys" are finding their way as they should be. (sorry for the TMI there, but seriously it is a major factor). Another part of the tests that will be conducted is to see if my uterus lining is strong enough to support an egg when/if it attaches. When the month comes to an end and all the inital tests are run, then it is time for surgery. UGH! That is right...I am going to have to go back under the knife to have the endometriosis removed again and to give the doctor a chance to see what he is working with. From that point on, we will know more about my body and the situation we are really dealing with.
Do I feel like I am ready for all this? Yes and No. Am I scared? Yes. Will it be hard? Most definitely! But I have family and friends to look towards for support and comfort, so that helps ease the burden a bit. I feel like I am going through all of these things to better the relationship I have with my spouse, my Savior, my family, and without a doubt my friends. Although this may seem like a heavy burden for me to carry, and although there are days I feel so alone and devistated, I find joy in knowing that I have some very very close friends who are in similar situations, and it has been proven to me already, that the things I have gone though so far and experienced regarding infertility helps me reach out to those friends and give them the comfort that they need to take the next steps in their life. Here's to hope, here's to dreams, and here's to faith that I will have the stength to open this door and walk in 100%!!
4 comments:
Good luck, Lila! We'll keep you in our prayers as you go through this whole process.
I am so excited for you :0) I am here anytime you need me. Just let me know and I can come meet you for lunch/babysitting whenever you need me.
Here's to YOU! You amazing little thing! Your strength keeps me going everyday as I battle the same imperfection. Love you!
Not going to lie, it is really hard. But if it's what Heavenly Father wants you to do, a way will be found. Keep praying, don't be afraid to hope and let me know if I can do anything to help.
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