At the moment, all I can think is and all that seems to be on my mind is despair. If you haven't been keeping up on facebook you wont understand until you read a little further....but, surely I will get it all written out right now and break it all down.
I had all intentions of keeping the blog updated as the day progressed, but the problem is that labor is very painful and all I could do was huntch over and try different poistions to prevent passing out from pain. :) No time to blog about things in that state indeed. It seemed to only take about and hour or two for the contractions to start moving along, and as the pitocin increased, so did the contractions. There was a good stretch of time (at least three hours) where my contractions ranged from 60 to 90, lasted just over a minute each and were about one minute apart. Let's just say that I was struggling to keep positive when pain was so intense....
My doctor came in just before 9 (i think) and did the first of many checks. He had all intentions of breaking my water, but the only problem was that the cervix softener didn't really work and I was still very high, firm, and not even penitratable. We were all kind of baffled I think, but the doctor said there was a good chance I wouldn't progress even with the drugs and that we might have to try again at a later date. I certainly didn't want that to happen, afterall I was 1) so ready to have this baby and 2) confident that the drugs would do their thing and all would be well. Determined to help progress the dialtion through the contractions I attempted to be mobile. Standing a lot, bouncing on the pregnancy ball, swiveling my hibs, and just trying to let gravity and nature take it's course. I was pretty consentrated and determined...which really helped me get through the major pain parts of the labor. I found myself having blissful pictures of all this coming to an end with my little girl in my arms and a new chapter of life beginging.
It was just after 1:00pm when the nurse came to check me again. I had been having really really hard and "good" contractions and I was hopefully. I prayed harder then I have in a long time that progression would be shown and that everything would be ok. Insert the checking....insert the tears. No change. After hours of laboring, much pain and moments of time when I had to fight out the thoughts of "i really can't handle anymore of this, can I get drugs yet" there was nothing, no sign of change at all. I couldn't believe it, I really couldn't. I tried my hardest to not break down right there and start bawling, but then, in the quite of the room, as I was alone sitting through horrible contractions, all I could do is sob. Backing up just before the check, my friend Christine came to visit and she brought Calvin with her. Jody had been with us all morning and was the most help I could have asked for...Calvin was very concerned about me but having his cute face there reminded me of the miracles we have been blessed with. When the nurse checked me, I had everyone leave the room, which is why I was alone for a little bit when the nurse left. Christine and Joel came back in with the kids and all I could do was feel so empty, so helpless and very frustrated. I didn't want to overreact to the situation or anything, but it was at that moment that I lost my fight. I knew that nothing was going to change. I knew I was going to be laboring the rest of the day until the doctor came for nothing. I knew we were going to be sent home.
I still tried to hang on to hope...I really did. By this time of the day I was so exhausted as well, that losing the fight was ok, because I let my body rest and I surcame to a little sleeping. How one sleeps through contractions, I am not quite sure, but luckily they eased up just a little and I was able to nap. When you are sitting in a quite room, you certainly have a lot of time to reflect on things. I am still not sure exactly why or what this experience is suppose to teach me, but as far as how my life goes, I always seem to experience a lot of different trials that aren't necessarily "normal" situations to help strengthen myself and most importantly others. That is what I am holding onto at the moment...that this experience is happening for a reason, and that I will know someday what and why I have had to go through it all.
The Day turned to night and the doctor came in just about 7:00pm to do his check. The good news was that my cervix had actually softened a little...the bad news, not enough to warrant anything else to occur. It was decided that the best thing would be to go home, rest it out, and let the pitocin work it's way through my body in hopes that next week my cervix will be ready to go and so will baby. I will go in on Monday to his office, get checked again, and if things aren't looking like we would want them, he plans to put in some natural seaweed plant thing that will stretch my cervix and make it so that Tuesday morning, when I go in again, for pitocin, I will progress at a good rate and be able to have the baby. If we didn't do this, and I opted to go with a second dose of pitocin at the hospital, we were running too much of a risk that me and the baby would get exhausted and it might force us into a c-section. If on Monday that change still isn't significant, then there is a chance that my body just wont let dialation occur, and we might have to discuss c-section, but I am pretty sure we will be ok.
Joel and I spent a good deal of time talking about how we were feeling and trying to think things through. For me, it is rethinking my entire plan, trying to find out how to keep focus for the next four days, when all my fight is nearly gone and pain is very prevelent. Humbled and very torn about how the next few days are going to go, I know I must continue...one step in front of the other. And, when the time does come that little Miss makes her appearance, it will all be water under the bridge and worth every second of the wait, every second of the battle, and every second of the pain. (let's just hope I can get drugs faster the next go around).
When we got home, I had Joel bring me stright here before picking up the kids so I could shower and try to relax my mind and body. Joel went and gathered our little love bugs and I said hello to them when they got home, then went straight to bed. I awoke about an hour ago...had a breakdown with tears and frustration, took some pain meds, and I am hoping for a better day tomorrow. I have a lot of stuff to do, so hopefully I can keep busy over the course of the next few days and get my focus and determination back....a long with a new game plan for my kids and my family.
Here is to hope, that all will work out well, that life's journey will continue and that faith, hope and love will incompass my mind and body for the upcoming arrival of this little Miss.
1 comment:
Hang in there. I know it sounds cliche and it's the last thing you want to hear, but she will be here before you know it, and then she'll be one and two and three and you'll think back to those tearful nights and wonder where the time went. Enjoy your last few days. Eat ice cream, bask in the joy of your two kids, take baths, and more. Good luck :)
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