Going through the hardest trial EVER

My life has been rocked. My perspectives have changed. I am a new person today then I was yesterday.

About two months ago Joel and I started talking about taking a huge step in our lives and ending some of the pain and frustration that has been prevalent in my life for the last 10 years. We had finally started looking at the possibility of getting a hysterectomy and focusing our family growth through adoption. The idea gave me excitement and a new found joy for life. The thought of not having monthly pain, and being somewhat “normal” was so appealing!! After much pondering and prayer, I made an appointment with my doctor in Salt Lake City to talk about the possibilities of having this surgery. When the time came for the appointment I felt so much peace, so comforted, so ready to take on this challenge. We talked about all the pros and cons about the surgery and I was ready…even though that meant I would have instant menopause and be on a hormone supplement my entire life. I knew that this was the best plan for me, and I was prepared to whatever it took to end all the crap I have lived with for so long. I left the office with a set date for the surgery, called everyone that I knew was going to be a helping hand and started to transform my vision and goals in life.

A week after setting the surgery date, my doctor called to talk about some of my blood tests that came back. I had to change my lifestyle to be healthier and live a low cholesterol, low fat diet with exercising daily. I knew that with a pending surgery approaching that I couldn’t make the change right then, so I made plans to begin this new lifestyle after I had recovered from the six weeks of pain and healing. My life was starting to be planned out and I was ready for the challenges that lay ahead of me. The only thing I seemed to worry about was what would happen after the surgery…how things would work out with the children, help, and not being around to take care of my babies. I wasn’t looking forward to living that experience, but I knew the Lord would help take care of things I would be able to heal and recover fine. On Sunday September 25^th, only five days before my surgery, I started to have a lot of anxiety and a lot fear regarding the surgery and the outcome of it. I was getting cold feet and I didn’t know why. I had felt like it was pointless to worry because I knew that the Lord was giving me comfort throughout this discussion and because of that, I should have been fine. Monday was much of the same feelings. I broke down…I felt useless and as if my direction in life had changed for some reason. I asked Joel to give me a blessing with the priesthood power he holds that night. I was hoping for much needed comfort and guidance from my Father in Heaven. I knew I would get it. I had the faith needed to receive it. After the blessing I had comfort, but mostly I had a drive to pray with all my heart and strength to get the guidance I needed to help get me through this time.

Tuesday, September 27^th, my life was changed forever. I spent the morning in ponder and prayer as I was playing with the little ones and attending to my daily duties. I was inspired by the Holy Spirit to double check the dates of my last cycle and to think about what that meant. Immediately following that prompting I went upstairs and started counting and calculating. I was on day 35. I was speechless…floored with the thought that I could possibly be pregnant merely days before I was scheduled for a hysterectomy. I kept that thought in my mind and continued about my daily tasks. No sooner did I start to clean and organize, when the Spirit spoke to me again telling me that I should take a pregnancy test. I knew that I was receiving revelation, and so I immediately got on the phone and called Joel. I let him know what was happening and told him as soon as he returned home from work that I would go purchase some tests. Honestly I was so excited!! I didn’t think that anything would come of the tests, but just taking them make me excited…it is something we have longed for, for nearly 6 years and the fact that we had still been fighting for a child of our own, we knew that the chances of doing so were very slim.

I went to the store…I came home…I peed on the stick. I couldn’t believe that I was doing that, I had obligations to attend to starting at 6 that night and this was putting a huge curveball in my attendance. Five minutes or so later, I went and looked at the stick. “Oh my gosh!” was what I exclaimed. The pregnancy test was POSITIVE…you have got to be kidding me. How could this happen? Joel thought I was tricking him, but after bring the stick and instructions down for his approval we were both struck with awe. I broke down and couldn’t believe that only three days until my surgery date we were pregnant. What a miracle this was. Joel and I were shocked, literally speechless because this moment in life was something we never thought would come to us. Late for my obligations, I headed out the door. Not wanting to tell anyone but at the same time wanting to yell it to the world. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to keep this excitement bottled up. After an amazing evening with friends, I returned home, peed on another stick and sure enough PREGNANT!!! I was overwhelmed with joy. It was the greatest miracle I have ever experienced in my life. I was a walking miracle. Joel and I had were so excited! Things were still confusing, but we had to call and let a few people know so that they could alter their plans for the next coming week when they were going to be helping us with post-surgery plans. It was a joyous occasion for all of us. Tears or mercy and joy were shed across the country as one by one we notified our loved ones. That night I took another test, just to make sure…yes, that was 3 in one day! I couldn’t help but be so overjoyed every time I saw that plus sign show up! It was certainly a tender mercy from the Lord.

The next day I called the doctor to cancel the surgery and to set up an exam. We were so thrilled to be having this experience. It was truly a miracle. But, on the other end of things, we knew that we couldn’t get too excited. I was a very high risk pregnancy and although we were living a miracle, it didn’t mean we were going to be safe from the pain of losing this baby. We made the appointment for the following day and continued living a miracle and fantasy. It was just the most amazing feeling ever, knowing that inside my body a baby was growing. I was on cloud nine!

Thursday we headed down to Salt Lake City to get checked on. My doctor was overjoyed with this miracle and together we basked in the excitement and marvel of the Lord. It was truly a blessed occasion for all of us involved. Because I am such a high risk patient, we decided that the safest way to help this pregnancy progress would be to get weekly hormone shots that would help give the placenta strength. This shot greatly increased our chances of holding a this baby to term and although we had to rearrange our lives to get down there once a week, we were willing to do anything and everything that was asked of us. We left the doctor’s office on one of the highest moments of our life. We were pregnant…after years of heartache and pain, loss and confusion, we finally had a miracle. Over the course of the next few days, I felt amazing. I couldn’t believe that I was “with child”. My dreams were coming true, beyond anyway that was ever expected. We looked at the life we were living, and started to think about how the next nine months would unfold. I was due July 2^nd. Calvin would be almost 2 and Veya would be 21 months…that seemed perfect. I could handle that and was so excited to get to fell a baby move in my tummy, see it through ultrasound and have all the feeling of a pregnancy. It was the most amazing time in my life. Daily I thanked the Lord for the tender mercy he bestowed upon us. I didn’t feel pregnant, minus the extreme fatigue and constant desire to eat…although food didn’t sound very appealing ever. I talked with my friends about the joy and miracle of being pregnant and we were all so excited! Life was just amazing!!

Everything was AMAZING until Thursday, November 5^th rolled around. The day starting like any other day…I was excited, life was great and I had places to go and things to do. Occasionally throughout the day I felt a nice strong cramping in the small of my back. I wasn’t concerned much, and just tried to lie down and rest as often as possible. I put the kids down for a nap and I too was able to sleep for an hour or so. When I woke up from my nap, I felt worse than before. My energy was literally at zero and I was just trying to keep everything in order although I felt like sleeping for eternity. Things were fine. Everything just fine…but then later that night I noticed some mild spotting. I read that mild spotting is normal and shouldn’t be too alarming if it occurs. I called a friend just to double check. Her advice was to just take it easy, put my feet up and go to sleep. I took a quick shower and then laid down. Shortly after, mild cramping started to occur. I was now a bit more alarmed then before, but hoped for it to pass. I tried to sleep, but woke up to cramps that I knew were not normal. I asked Joel for a blessing and tried to calm myself down. After all, stress is not good for the baby. About an hour later I called my doctor. Explained what was happening and that I was concerned. He urged us to go to the ER and to get checked out, even though it might just be part of the endometriosis giving me pain. We called upon an amazing friend to be here with the children as we headed to the ER. It was just after midnight.

After checking in and getting a room at the ER I was devastated. I knew what was happening. I knew that we were losing the baby. I couldn’t believe it. How could such a miracle in our lives be taken from us just like that? I got hooked up to an IV, blood drawn, and morphine given. I was in so much pain, that even after the morphine I could still feel the cramping. Joel slept on the hard tile floor as we waited for the doctor to come do an ultrasound and exam. I was praying that this was just one of those times when a girl has her menstrual cycle during her pregnancy, but as soon as the ultrasound took place, we knew that there was not much hope for us. I was at an all time low…honestly, how could this be happening? As I was in that hospital bed, I kept thinking, there has to be a reason for this…the Lord’s work is amazing, and I know he is watching over me and that he is aware of the situation. Around 4am the doctor came and did the exam. I asked him if by doing the exam if he will know exactly what is going on. At that point he turned to me and said, “Well the pregnancy tests that we ran all came back negative. I am so sorry to tell you that.” I broke down…all hope I had at that very moment was lost, shattered and I was in complete and total shock. I couldn’t contain my tears, my sorrow and my frustration. Yet at the same time, I felt comforted. My thoughts kept returning to the blessing I had had earlier that night…the Lord loves you and he has a plan and purpose for you. But at times like this, it is hard to focus on the fact that for one reason or another, this was all part of the plan…the entire time. Taking a grasp on that was very hard to do. As soon as the exam was over, all I wanted to do was to go home…be where I felt at the most peace and comfort. We were about to be discharged when the doctor came in to offer his condolences. Man, just a week before we were basking in the joy of finding out we were pregnant…now our nightmares were prevalent and we were living the worst experience we have ever had to endure…or so we thought.

We came home and went to bed for a few hours before our two little love-bugs woke up for the day. I hurt, I was sick to my stomach, and I felt so empty.

Once I pulled myself together, I called my doctor to give him an update. He advised that I rest as much as possible and collect any tissue that may be being discharged as the miscarriage continued. What a sobering day. Around 9am I got a call from the doctor, he wanted to see me as soon as possible so that he can do an exam and possible D&C. We called some amazing friends who helped us out immensely. By the time we got the kids and their belongings together, we were on the road, it was now about 11am. I rode the 2.5 hour car ride to Salt Lake City curled up and trying not to let the pain take over my body. I still couldn’t believe that this was happening…I couldn’t imagine what was going to happen next.

We got to the doctor’s office and started the exam a little after 3pm. He talked to us about what was going to happen and the options we had. We were all shocked. After checking to make sure I wasn’t having a tubal pregnancy, we went over our options again. Those options were 1)go to the hospital and wait until we could get into the OR to do a D&C, 2)do the D&C right there in the office, with no pain meds, but it would be very quick and extremely painful or 3)let the miscarriage run it course and be in pain for possibly weeks. Talk about making one of the hardest choices ever! I didn’t want to let the miscarriage run its course. I wanted the pain to stop and this whole experience to be over. As much as I wanted to go to the hospital, I knew it would be a lot more expensive and that we wouldn’t get home that night…I didn’t want to be away from my love-bugs any longer than I had to. So together, Joel and I talked it over. I decided that I would take option number 2 and pull inspiration from Joseph Smith to make it through. I didn’t really have a choice, at least not in my mind. As the doctor prepped for the surgery, Joel consoled me as I sat on the table waiting for the inevitable. Joel told me later that night that he was so amazed at how strong I was at that moment…knowing that I was about to endure the most painful thing ever but having to get it done for the sake of my body. All I can remember thinking at that moment was “Lord give me strength.” The operation began, and they asked Joel to sit in the lobby. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be able to endure the pain, but it was the most excruciating thing I have EVER had to deal with in my entire life. I remember screaming, asking for strength from the Lord, and trying to breath. The procedure took only a matter of minutes, but it seemed like a lifetime. My word of advice to those who may be put in this situation in the future…screw fast, screw the price, get it done at the hospital. :o) As we were preparing to leave our doctor mentioned to us that the blood work was just baffling because a week earlier my pregnancy levels were very good, in the range of 160 or so, but when the results came back from the ER blood work, it was like the pregnancy never even happened. I will probably never forget this experience, and I just pray that I don’t have nightmares about it forever. The Lord did give me strength, and after all was said and done; we got in the car and headed home. The ride home was long, brutal, but I only threw up three times…which was nice. By the time we got into Green River I was able to walk with very minimal pain. I knew we had made the best choice although it was the hardest day I have ever lived thus far in my life. We went to get our love-bugs from the friends that were watching them, came home and tried to relax after such an unbearable day.

Today, Saturday November 7^th, as I sit here typing this experience I feel emptiness, I am sober, and I am very humble. I break down from time to time, but this will pass. As the Lord is my witness I too can testify that I know He has been with me through all of this. I know that we have been touched by the tender mercy of God and have been given an insight to what can be, sometime down the road. We may not ever know the entire purpose for this, but I have a new found hope to push forward, to fight a little longer, and endure a little harder. We know there is a purpose and a plan for us, and as long as we continue with faith and hope, the Lord will bless us beyond measure. How grateful I am to know that I have a Loving Heavenly Father and that the more I put at His feet, the more I will be lifted up. Come what may, the trials we live through only make us stronger and give us the visions that we need to make it through the next curve on our path to eternal life. Your prayers have been felt in our lives these last few days, and I am so grateful for you. Continue to pray for us as we overcome this heartache and pain. We can surly use them.

All my love,

Lila